Commons, Lords to launch Charlton inquiries

It all started with a proposed leak inquiry into the leak by the Evening Standard of Charlton's next home result. But now both the House of Commons and the House of Lords are hoping to get some useful favourable publicity by launching wide-ranging specialist committee inquiries into what is happening at the club.

A MP commented on lobby terms, 'We have run out of bankers to grill and make ourselves look big. But if we can reveal who the Mysterons behind Charlton are, that will make a big story. By looking into the policing at the Millwall game, we have an excuse to question both Theresa May and Bojo and we can run the rule over them as possible future leaders of the Conservative Party.'

'Then we can make out that Charlton's pattern of home defeats is suspicious, so we can start to make allegations about mystery Asians involved in gambling syndicates. Above all, any football investigation shows us on the side of the ordinary bloke in the street.'

The committee is also likely to investigate why Charlton signed Iranian international Karim Bagheri, given that he made just one appearance when the Addicks were losing on a wet afternoon in Ipswich and made contact with the ball once, although on the honours board he counts as Charlton's most capped international. At the time it was rumoured that the Foreign Office wanted to try and improve relations with Iran by sending a Premiership football team to play some friendlies there. Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs all refused to go, but Charlton came into the frame because of its community record and links with New Labour. Adding an Iran international to the Charlton team was seen as a plus, but the mad mullahs refused to play ball and let Charlton go to their country.

The House of Lords has raced to get in on the act, although their inquiry will focus into why there is such a big discrepancy between the announced attendance at Charlton and the number of people actually in the ground. Professor Lord Skidelsky of Tilton believes that given out large numbers of comps can act as a Keynesian stimulus to the economy as those invited then spend money on refreshments and a programme.

The Lords are already ahead of the Commons as Professor Lord Norton of Louth has appointed a graduate of his highly successful politics and parliamentary studies programme to be specialist adviser to the committee. Stacey Frier is a rising star in the field of parliamentary and policy advice, although she is perhaps best known for her blog complaining about the Southern Railways service from Horsham. Frier is an avid if often disgruntled football fan, supporting Leicester City and Weymouth. She recently changed jobs and proceeded to plaster her desk with her collection of Foxes memorabilia. An observant colleague noted, 'So you are a Leicester City fan, then?'

The Commons committee cannot decide who should be its specialist adviser. Labour members, including Charlton fan Roger Goodliffe, favour former Labour parliamentary candidate Rick Everitt. The Conservatives are thought to favour Charlton fan Colin Sams, who has family members with Conservative links. The Liberal Democrats have also discovered a Charlton fan with opinions, Jonathan Acworth.

All three party leaders are expected to get in on the act by making speeches on Charlton. Dave Cameron wants to show that he is not a toff who is only interested in egg chasing and riding to hounds; Ed Miliband wants to build his street cred south of the river and show that he is more that a nerdy millionaire from North London; and Nick Clegg hopes to prove that he is not a hopeless lightweight who knows nothing about anything.