Amazing plan for soccer success

Advertisement in the Mail on Sunday:

Turn Soccer Failure Into Success?

Has your team failed to deliver the goods this season? Have you sunk into mid-table mediocrity? Are the fans on your back? Is your job on the line? Then send for our GUARANTEED five point plan for soccer success for you to study in the COMFORT AND PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. Please send a large SAE and postal order for £5 made out to 'Old Bexley and Sidcup Labour Party' to Uncle Rick, Rickster Enterprises, P.O.Box 69, Sidcup, Kent. MONEY BACK if your team does not shoot up the table next season, plus free draft of resignation letter. For £10, you can have our SILVER plan which is tailored to the NEEDS of your team. Just state team name and we will do the rest. For £20 we will RUSH the plan to you by SPECIAL DELIVERY.

Satisfied customers say: 'It's not rocket science.' ID, Bolton. 'I wish I had had this plan available to me before becoming a manager.' LR, Sevenoaks. 'It may be just what I need.' AC, Loughton.

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Ferrari Villas,
Dunwinning, Kent

Dear Uncle Rick,

Please rush me your SILVER plan by special delivery. There is a slap up meal in this for you and your lady wife if this works.

Yours, in desperation,

Alan Pardew

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Dear Alan,

Here is your five point plan:

1. Only bring in loan players for emergency cover
2. Keep a settled side, only making changes because of injuries or suspensions or for good tactical reasons related to the particular game.
3. Play the ball to feet, do not hoof it up in the air.
4. Strengthen the central midfield.
5. Make sure your strikers know how to hit a shot on target.

Put that into place and you will be AMAZED at the results!

Uncle Rick

PS Thanks for the slap up meal offer, but can we bring back Rickshaw services in Essex instead?