Friday, 1 April 2016

Club steals march on West Ham

A few disgruntled Charlton customers may be tempted by the lure of the Olympic Stadium next season with its digital wrap around screens. However, the Addicks have come up with a plan to attract West Ham fans disappointed at leaving the Boleyn Ground.

The East Stand next season will be renamed the Anne Boleyn Stand. What is more, to enhance the matchday experience, there will be a new mascot in an Anne Boleyn costume.

This innovation will enable historical events to be recreated on the pitch. For example, the King of the Belgians (played by Jonathan Acworth, who has royal blood) will descend the steps of the East Stand and meet Anne Boleyn on the pitch to depict their historic meeting at Greenwich.

When it was pointed out that there was no Belgium or King of the Belgians at the time Anne Boleyn was queen, a club spokesman said that this was a mere historical detail. The point was to depict a woman who had been a victim and at the mercy of a powerful man.

There will also be a dramatization of Anne Boleyn’s execution with a contemporary version of her speech. She will say: ‘I pray God save Roland and send him long to reign over you, for a gentler nor a more merciful prince was there never: and to me he was ever a good, a gentle and sovereign lord. I must pay the ultimate price for throwing a beach ball on the pitch. Make sure you do not share my fate.’

In order to attract a new customer base, the club is also revisiting the question of the club’s name. It is felt that the Charlton brand is too down market and attracts the wrong sort of customer.

However, it was agreed that the name of Estuary which branding experts came up with a few years ago was too bland. The club was disappointed to learn that Greenwich Royals was the name of a swimming club as it was felt that that had the right cachet.

However, staff noticed that no London club has actually had ‘London’ in its title whereas rugby clubs had names like London Scottish and London Welsh. Hence, the club is to apply to the FA to rename the club ‘London Belgians’.

6 comments:

Aido1905 said...

Nice one Wyn! The thing is, I had to double check the date, as it's just the sort of idea our beloved CEO usually comes up with, anyway, ha ha!

Chris Bloomfield said...

Always look forward to the level of absurd detail you put into this yearly effort. Thanks Wyn!

Aido1905 said...

Nice one, Wyn! The thing is, I had to double check the date, as it's just the sort of idea our beloved CEO normally comes up with!

ExpatCyp said...

There are also a couple of good ones in The Guardian and The Daily Fail !

Jonathan Acworth said...

yes wyn u are right anne b is my dads cousin 10th I think

bigbycycleboy said...

Also Belgium is known as one of the low countries,well, our league position is low,our attendances are low,our goal tally is low,moral is low,love for our owners is low,the owners love for its ""customers""is low and league 2 is low which is where we will be the season after next.I need something to eat my blood sugar is low.