Today's match report from The Valley will be provided by Philippa Nicholson from King's Hill, West Malling after normal commentator Wyn Grant was 'knackered' planting trees in the Finnish forest as an act of ecological atonement yesterday.
'This could be an interesting occasion,' said Grant, 'not so much for the match was what might accompany it so I am disappointed to miss it.' He explained, 'We were given the right equipment for tree planting and were supervised by an experienced forester.'
'Unfortunately most of those there were social constructivisits, so a great deal of time was wasted "framing" the moment. By the time a discourse was agreed, it was supplanted by another one. It was all reminiscent of Monty Python sketch of the match between Greek and German philosophers'. (See Marx says goal by Archimedes was offside
'Consequently when we did start planting, we had to go at a furious pace and I exhausted myself.'
Nicholson promised that her match report would be less 'hopelessly retro' than Grant's offerings.